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I Can Open My Window

I just cried for about 20 minutes, like sobbing. Pathetic right? I'm really not a crier, and I feel so stupid any time I do cry. I'm actually crying typing this but for whatever reason, after staring out my window crying for what seemed like forever, I jumped up and thought "I'm going to write about this." So, here I am. Writing about it. I told myself when I have "moments" I'd write about them. I don't think I've ever blogged about them, but oh well.


Have you watched the show "Maid" on Netflix? (This blog is not about that show, it'll make sense soon I promise) Put short it's a show about a woman who leaves her emotionally abusive and controlling boyfriend and shows how she navigates being a broke, single, financially unstable mom with PTSD and I THINK depression. He's a drunk with a temper and she's... well, a mess. Anyway, there's a scene in the show where she goes to the boutique at the DV Shelter (Domestic Violence) and the volunteer cashier tells her how it took her forever to remember what her favorite color was after she left her abusive partner, and I thought "How sad.".


So, why am I crying? Well, my ex used to hate when I opened the windows in our house, but I used to love having the windows opened while I cleaned and/or cooked. I mean it would be an argument because I wanted the blinds open and the curtains open and I don't know... I just wanted all the sun and light from outside without having to actually be outside. You know? But slowly I stopped "caring" about the windows being open when he was home and just opened them when he wasn't. Well, I forgot about that.


Fast forward a few years, my same ex cut the screens out of my windows in the living room. Both of them, then I couldn't open them up, I could only open the blinds. This afternoon while sipping my coffee (because this morning I was doing some solo Netflix & chill, finally finished Click Bait) I decided to do a deep clean of my house today. I put on my fav playlist, put my hair in a ponytail, and started cleaning. I started with my kitchen, then the downstairs bathroom, then moved on to the living room. I decided to pull the blinds all the way up and clean the windows and while I was spraying the Windex, I thought to myself "I wish I could open them, it's so pretty outside." Then out of nowhere, I had a serious rush of confusion. "Why can't I open them? Wait I used to love opening the windows and having fresh air when I cleaned, oh my God I forgot I loved that! Oh my God I have screens, I can open them!". Then I started crying and then laughing because I couldn't believe I was crying and then crying hard because I couldn't believe that after 2 years I JUST remembered I liked my windows open. I stood in the window and cried. Then I opened the window, just one and I called my bestfriend and cried "I can open my window! I'm so happy!" lol She's in class getting her Masters but she answered my call and she responded "Okay, um great! Well, if that makes you happy I'm so happy for you! I love you and I'll call you back after class!" Then I poured more coffee and sat across from the window and looked outside, crying.


I love my window being open and I completely forgot, and for years I couldn't do it. But, now I can! And it just made me so happy and so sad at the same time. I just wanted to tell everybody, I can open my window!

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Wow! That was deep 🥺 I could relate! Thank you for your transparency 💖 ‘I can open my window!’ Deep!

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This is so beautiful

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It’s a step toward healing and self-discovery. Your transparency is a sign of your strength that will be used to help others. Keep loving on you as you rediscover the beautiful young woman Ayanah!

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I love this! Thanks for sharing Ayanah! Open all those windows girl!!

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This helped me. Thank you Ayanah.

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