Updated: Feb 13
How common is it, unfortunately, to get your heart broken (While still in and after a break up)? For many of us women, it is way too familiar of a feeling. It seems like we give so much of ourselves when we are in relationships that we forget to take care of...... well, ourselves. So when it's over, what's left and what's next? Especially if it was a long relationship, and there are babies involved, your mind can begin running 80 mph in every direction wondering to you self "What in the world am I going to do?"
Here is part one of some things to do after a breakup.
The honest truth is that breaking up can feel like a death. You literally have to learn to live the next chapter of your life without the person you thought you'd spend forever with. You're not waking up to them anymore, or discussing what you will both share for dinner, or having another adult to come home and discuss your day with. It is a literal loss. So take time to grieve, be sad, miss them, learn to adjust to your new (0r old) space alone.
Let Your Emotions Out... If You Have Any
In some situations, you may have checked out mentally way before you did physically, if this is not your case, allow yourself time and space to scream. Whether it's when you're alone in your car, or in your shower, SCREAM, cry, do whatever is necessary. But whatever you do, don't hold those toxins inside of you.
Write a "Sis Don't Do It" Note
"A what???" Yes. I said a "SIS DON'T DO IT" note. This is a letter or list you write to yourself about all the reasons why you don't need to take him back. To some this may sound extreme, however, we have a tendency to miss all the good about a person once they're gone and forget about all the reasons we wanted them far away in the first place. My note looks like ..
When you miss him, remember...."
And its two pages of things that I can't let myself pretend didn't happen or allow my brain to block out. My truth is that I'm so forgiving, and I forgive and forget but that only results in me
being hurt again, not any changed behavior from my partner(s). So a list or note helps me remember my why and stick to it.
Change Everything (If you can)
After my break up I decided I did not want to move, I actually love where I live, and I love my neighbors. I'm 6 min from my sons' school, 4 min from my family, and 15/20 min from my salon. So I had to change everything in the house I wanted to keep. I threw away everything from plates to couches, I'm not saying be as extreme as I was lol. But I am saying that if you are going to stay living in a space you once shared with someone adored, then you don't need to look around and have a memory in every corner. Start small, change your room, paint, buy new candles, buy new towels that will only be used by you.
Make A Breakup Playlist
No this is not a list of sad songs that make you cry on your way to work. These are ultimate girl power songs that make you feel good and confident and proud of yourself for doing what's best or better for you. Check out https://www.ayanahhanaya.com/post/break-up-playlist for a great breakup playlist.
Figure Out What You Like
Of course, you did stuff you like when you two were together, but what do you like alone? After my break up I would come home and literally do nothing (mom duties of course) but nothing for or with myself. I remember the first time he took the kids for the weekend (their first time without both of us) I sat in my car for over an hour in a parking lot. I had no idea
what to do without my man and kids. I didn't want to go home because it was going to be empty for 3 days. I didn't want to go out with anyone or do anything, I really didn't know what I wanted to do.
I used to rush home, cook, clean, get kids to bed, take a shower and make sure I smelled good, just one or two lights on, no loud music, just peaceful and quiet, and be ready to eat, talk, watch a show or 3, and go to bed with my hubby when he got home. After we split?? I didn't cook a meal for myself in 2 months. (I ordered out, had late lunch, or went to a restaurant) Turns out, I actually don't LIKE coming home and cooking dinner right after work and cleaning up taking a shower and watching tv. I like meals that are already made that I didn't make myself and I also like putting something in the crockpot in the morning and it's hot and ready for me when I get home. I actually don't care to watch tv that often, I prefer constant semi loud music always playing in the background and candles burning with all the lights on. I also like cleaning up my house on Sundays and look forward to not having to clean it again until the following sunday because it does this thing called STAYING CLEAN.
But enough about me lol. Find things that you enjoy and do them! Do them alone. Don't rush to do things with a rebound, take the time to care for yourself by yourself first.
Keep in mind that breakups hurt, you will miss him, you will hurt, but you will be okay. Losing someone doesn't always have to be a loss, it can be a gain.