I've shared with you all some of the lows like https://www.ayanahhanaya.com/post/life-after-a-break-up-and-what-to-do-next-part-1 . Which was my life after a breakup blog, as well as my blog about the top songs to listen to after a breakup! Haha, that was in 2020 after my 2019 breakup. Then on my podcast, I talked about how some men are incapable, but most are just unwilling. Now, let me say if you haven't read or listened none of them are about me bashing men or doggin' out my ex. It's just me sharing my feelings and thoughts and trying to happily and healthily move on. The first year I decided single and celibate and housebound due to covid was the way for me.
Welp, 2+ years later, and Sis moved on lol. So I started dating and since I started dating I have realized a few things and figured I would share some of my thoughts...
I accepted wayyyyyyyyyyyy (let's pretend it's 100 y's) less than I deserved for a lot of years. No, not all the years were bad. But once they started getting bad, I stuck around longer than my gut told me to. Never. Again.
I need therapy because I have relationship PTSD. Yep, it's a thing. I went to a therapist and honestly, I didn't like her, but I'm going to find another.
There are some great men in the world! But there are also a bunch of pure trash bags. If you're my client you know my trash can theory... It's basically that all (ok, most) men are trash cans (I know this sounds horrible) some are the nice expensive trash cans that are $100+ and that open up when you wave your hand over them, and some are the $49 trash cans that are rose gold and have a foot pedal, some are the ones with no lid that cost $5. But what do they all have in common????? TRASH is inside them. I honestly hate I feel that way if I'm being honest.
I've been really happy dating, and when you remove sex and lust from the picture you have to REALLY really like someone for who they are, and it's a wonderful thing to build a genuine friendship with a potential life partner.
I REALLY like living in a house without a man. I mean except for my broke and bougie 9-year-old baby boy, living alone is LIT. I WILL get married again one day and hopefully soon, and my future husband will be the ultimate bestie and we live the greatest life together and have the best times living together... but until then... ALL MY STUFF IS WHERE I PUT IT AND NOTHING IS EMPTY IN MY FRIDGE.
If you know me you know I'm pretty transparent and a horrible writer lol, but remember my blogs are informal and personal, so hey Girl heyyy! So, in the art of transparency, I'll share a few stories. Side note, do you guys watch Love & Marriage Huntsville? That new couple that was screaming "transparency" last season was on my last nerve. Anyway, let's get to it! Let's start with what being single and celibate during the pandemic has taught me.
I am very resilient.
I enjoy my peace more than a man's company. Of course, a man's company is incredible when it's the right guy, but it's something about being at peace alone. It's like your favorite flavor of ice cream at the end of a 12-hour workday.
I love not feeling responsible for another adult.
I love having the whole bed to myself and not caring if I go to bed looking like a troll or a goddess. Most nights it's a troll.
I'm incredibly strong-willed.
I'm a phenomenal mom (give or take a few things).
I enjoy the freedom of making decisions on my own.
I have a horrible diet, I definitely needed to get my health together.
Stress causes autoimmune diseases and ain't nobody got time for that.
I'm really the whole package and I just allowed myself to be in the wrong hands for quite some time. Don't get me wrong his hands weren't the worst, he just wasn't handling me with the proper care the way he should have and the way I believe I deserved. So going forward, I have to be more intentional. I have to see red flags for what they are and not try to add white to them to soften them and make them pink. I have to realize that it's ok to move on sooner and to be okay with hurting someone's feelings if it means I'll be happier and healthier.
Moving on, since dating I learned:
I really prefer to NetFlix and chill solo with wine than go on a bad date =/
Dating when you're a full-time parent is not easy.
I have issues too. =/ Don't like it, but I do.
Dating the right person makes a BIG difference.
It's more than okay to not date at all!
You shouldn't have to do anything extra for someone to like you or want to be around you. You should be yourself at all times. I'm not saying don't do things for people you like, I'm saying let people like you for you. The good, bad, ugly, and pretty... The you that farts, have belly meat, and eats like a growing 16-year-old boy. All of you lol
Don't overshare. No one needs to know your whole life story just because they like you, and don't tell a man everything you want in a man. Give him time and see if he comes with the things you desire. I feel like saying a list of what you want affects how some men would naturally act without knowing that information.
After a certain point, if I don't feel like we are working on something permanent I need to have a conversation, get clarity, and dare to move on if necessary.
Since dating this particular guy I've learned:
It's okay to be soft and vulnerable and honest without fear of it being used against me or being looked at as weak, with the RIGHT person.
I don't need to share my feelings at the moment ALL the time.
There doesn't have to be any yelling or disrespect or talking over each other to have a healthy disagreement. It's ok to agree to disagree.
If he wanted to he would. But sometimes he wants to and he really just can't, and that's ok.
Communication doesn't mean anything if it lacks comprehension.
There's nothing wrong with telling someone how you need to be loved.
Tell people what your triggers are and what you will and won't tolerate from the beginning.
Using "I feel" instead of "You always" makes a HUGE difference